MORE SMOKERS LESS FAGS:
Archbishop releases new cigarette

SYDNEY (Sunday): Catholic Archbishop George Pell responded to the outcry over his comment that homosexuality “is a greater health hazard than smoking" today by releasing a new brand of cigarettes. The cigarettes are aimed at encouraging kids not to take up homosexuality. “The more smokers, the less fags” said Archbishop Pell as he released the cigarettes to a crowd of religious fanatics at a lunchtime launch.

The launch featured a local Church's youth choir which sung "Jesus, you light up my life," before inhaling deeply on a new Pells Cigarette.

"If one child takes up smoking rather than homosexuality then that is enough for me," said Pell. He then pointed to a cigarette and said "kids if you're going to suck on something, suck on this."

An intensive advertising campaign will feature the slogan "Don't go to Hell, Smoke Pell." The campaign will be aimed at the adolescent market despite concerns that all other manufacturers already target this market.
The broader Catholic community has come out in great support of Pell's new Cigarettes. "I hope lots of kids take up smoking and avoid homosexuality," said Bishop Johnson, who leads the Pro-Life campaign for the Church. Asked about the negative health effects of smoking, Bishop Johnson responded, “You call it passive smoking. I call it spreading the good news”.

Christian Gay groups have responded with outrage claiming that homosexuality in no way conflicts with Christianity. "The Lord says 'Love Thy Neighbour', all my neighbours just happened to be men," said one spokesperson.

Archbishop Pell has also approached 'Nicorette' to see if they can create a patch which slowly weans people off homosexuality. The patches will release a diminishing amount of amyl nitrate until the patients are completely cured.