God
Angrily Clarifies
'Don't Kill' Rule
NEW YORK -
Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity
worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000
years, angrily clarified His long-time stance against humans killing each
other Monday.
"Look, I don't know, maybe I
haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is
again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion
during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers.
"Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to
kill their neighbour. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm
really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only
do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not
to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to
understand."
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and
Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the
centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of
violence."
"I don't care how holy somebody
claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My
will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't
care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one
more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever
again."
The press conference came as a
surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs.
As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of
interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests,
imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and
laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable
mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His
decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense
of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried
out in His
name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.
"I tried to put it in the
simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because
I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah
respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions.
"I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting
it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave
to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"
"But somehow, it all gets
twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some
nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill
that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not
God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't
murder
people.'
"Worse yet, many of the worst
violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible,
Torah, and Qur'an.
"To be honest, there's some
contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can
see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it - My bad. I
did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have
misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the
material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn
My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality
gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays.
It absolutely drives Me up the wall."
God praised the overwhelming majority
of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," calling
the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.
"This whole medieval concept of
the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in,
like, the 10th century, and with good reason," God said.
"There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast
majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of
these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in
America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club."
Continued God, "Read the book:
'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on
and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to
come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own
hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are
all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of
pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain."
God stressed that His remarks were
not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose
ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core
message of all world religions.
"I don't care what faith you
are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of
time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the
Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the
Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline,
right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the
Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the
other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on
since the Crusades."
Growing increasingly wrathful, God
continued: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons?
There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different
cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is
always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism,
Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say
you're supposed to love your neighbours, folks! It's not that hard a
concept to grasp."
"Why would you think I'd want
anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an ex\excuse to
kill each other - you've been doing that without any help from Me since
you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of
believing in God is to have a higher standard of behaviour.
How obvious can you get?"
"I'm talking to all of you,
here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you
hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it,
across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't
kill each other anymore - ever! I'm fucking serious!"
Upon completing His outburst, God
fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments.
Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept. |
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