The Mozart effect
A new report now says that the Mozart effect is a fraud. For
you hip urban
professionals: no, playing Mozart for your designer baby
will not improve
his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He'll
just have to
be admitted to Harvard some other way. Of course, we're all
better off for
listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However,
one wonders
that if playing Mozart sonatas for little Hillary or Jason
could boost
their intelligence, what would happen if other composers
were played in
their developmental time?
LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but
never really says
anything important.
BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats
himself frequently.
Gains reputation for profundity.
WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually
marry his sister.
MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length
and volume -
that he's dying.
SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's
used all the other
words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards.
Eventually, people stop
listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to
understand him.
BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time.
Eventually, people
stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his
playmates think
he's cool.
IVES EFFECT: the child develops a remarkable ability to
carry on several
separate conversations at once.
GLASS EFFECT: the child tends to repeat himself over and
over and over and
over and over and over and over and over and over and over
and over and
over and over again.
STRAVINSKY EFFECT: the child is prone to savage, guttural
and profane
outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the
preschool.
BRAHMS EFFECT: the child is able to speak beautifully as
long as his
sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12,
etc). However,
his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely
uninspired.
AND THEN OF COURSE, THE CAGE EFFECT -- CHILD SAYS NOTHING
FOR 4 MINUTES, 33
SECONDS. PREFERRED BY 9 OUT OF 10 CLASSROOM TEACHERS. |
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